It’s been said that the divorce process involves a lot of “firsts” and that everyone has to get through them in one way or the other. So true.
Yes, this post is about X or me, not sure which. I have a lot I’m working through in my head, so bear with me on this return to such a very old topic.
The end of my marriage happened over time and some of the firsts occured before we were even divorced. Most people say the biggest and most difficult hurdle is when the ex finds a new love. Well, X had three before the divorce was final, so I was pretty comfortable with the knowledge that I was easily replaced. That’s not saying it was fun mind you, but I got past that one very quickly.
Some firsts happen gradually, gently, and often catch you by surprise
-The first time you realize you don’t think about him anymore.
-The first time you realize you don’t love him anymore.
-The first time you realize you might not even like him anymore.
-The first time you realize you are happy again.
-The first time you realize you can love someone else.
So I have, sometimes to my own surprise, navigated the firsts and felt pretty confident that I had made it through the marriage/divorce phase of life and could just get on with life.
Until today. Today I learned that some firsts smack you between the eyes.
At three a.m. this morning X called to tell me that he was on his way to the hospital via ambulance-heart episode. They needed to do a cardiac cath and see what was up with his ticker. So off I went to the hospital, not out of any sense of love for him personally, but rather a concern that the father of my children could die on the table and that someone who once meant a great deal to me might be alone at a very difficult time.
Well he wasn’t alone. (Here’s where the next first comes in.)
Everyone was there. By everyone I mean all the employees whom he calls his friends-all the ones who have been stabbing him in the back for years, bad mouthing him, and torturing me. All the ones that are deserving of Academy Awards for Best Performance By Actresses pretending to be friends all the while up to no good in the hallway. But I was okay with that, until the phone rang and it was the worst of the group calling to check on him. The one person that he had said he was through with. The one person of whom he assured me he had seen the true colors and would stay away from. The one person who has been nothing but evil. (No not the chickie, hell she’d be preferable to this “friend”)
I heard her name and that’s when it hit me(again). He is truly not the man I married. He is truly not the man I had hoped he was or one I even recognize and my time as his protector is over. (Yes, it should have been over long ago, but the sentiment has lingered somewhat despite our ups and downs). I have taken care of this man for 21 years, and even in our very worst moments of the divorce and post-divorce I have continued to do so (sometimes without his even knowing). Even after he screamed at me to stop, to leave him be, to know that he didn’t need me to help him/save him/ protect him anymore ever again.
But today I experienced another first-the first that says he’s the ex, I’m the ex, and he can have his life and I don’t have to be a part of it. He has truly chosen these people as his friends. He has decided they are the ones he can trust, even in the face of all evidence to the contrary. He has decided that these people are the ones with whom he wants to surround himself and have his reputation associated. And you know what-I sat there and thought-
Fine. He’s a grown man, he can pick his friends, live his life, and suffer any consequences-and it is no longer my concern. That was a biggie.
The silver lining-the realization that this means my children and I don’t have to have them in our life anymore. THAT IS HIS LIFE NOT MINE.
Someone important to me said you have got to start acting like exes, and you must cut the umbilical cord. He’s not yours to worry about anymore.
True, yet difficult.
The first-realizing he is just the father of my children. Not a friend, not a spouse, not someone I want in my orbit.
Why does that make me sad?
Because I fear it means I made a mistake all those years ago.
Because I fear what that means for my girls.
Because he doesn’t realize he deserves better.
Because maybe he doesn’t.
So I left the hospital and let X know I wouldn’t be back unless he called to ask for me-that I would leave him with his friends. I left the hospital after meeting his new girlfriend and making sure that she would be there for him so he wouldn’t be alone tonight.
I left him to take care of himself.
That’s a first.
